


You Ride It, You Name It

by Darker_Side



Series: My Whole Existence is Flawed (You Get Me Closer to God) [3]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Accidental Orgasm, All the lube, Banter, Closer-verse, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Established Relationship, F/M, Handcuffs, Light Femdom, Lucifer is a champ, Mild Injury, Pegging, Role-Playing Game, Trixie's rock collection, blink and you'll miss the fluff, coffee table pussy eating, if pegging and fluff can be in the same fic, you ride it you name it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:01:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25100587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darker_Side/pseuds/Darker_Side
Summary: “Detective, I appreciate your confidence, but this is absurd.” Lucifer spoke after a few minutes of silence as they stared at the nondescript box on Chloe’s dining room table. Both of their eyes were wide, staring down at the object in question. Everything had been planned; the proper equipment had been purchased, the appropriate preparations had been done, Trixie was with Dan. It should have been easy. It should have been exciting opening the box, but all it did was instill a sense of dread in Chloe and curious fear in Lucifer. Even the few shots they had taken together to “calm their nerves” hadn’t been enough to make the thing in the box any less daunting.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Series: My Whole Existence is Flawed (You Get Me Closer to God) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1711234
Comments: 51
Kudos: 86





	You Ride It, You Name It

**Author's Note:**

> Alright guys, another segment in the Closer-verse for you. This one is a little different. It's something I've never covered before, but I had fun with it. Total crack, just beware. Do not take this too seriously. It's meant to be a fun ride of ridiculousness.
> 
> Here are the inspirations for their costumes:
> 
> [Lucifer's Robin](https://gaycomicgeek.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/Tyler-Robin.jpg)
> 
> [Chloe's Batman](https://i.etsystatic.com/16569407/r/il/290535/1523796949/il_794xN.1523796949_i04y.jpg)
> 
> Unbeta'd, of course.

"Detective, I appreciate your confidence, but this is absurd." Lucifer spoke after a few minutes of silence as they stared at the nondescript box on Chloe's dining room table. Both of their eyes were wide, staring down at the object in question. Everything had been planned; the proper equipment had been purchased, the appropriate preparations had been done, Trixie was with Dan. It should have been easy. It should have been exciting opening the box, but all it did was instill a sense of dread in Chloe and curious fear in Lucifer. Even the few shots they had taken together to "calm their nerves" hadn't been enough to make the thing in the box any less daunting.

"It's so..." Chloe started quietly, lifting her hand to get the thing out of the box, but pulling back as if the space around it had burned her. Her mouth opened a few times, but she just couldn't find the words to describe it.

"Outrageously massive? I agree!" Lucifer chimed in, hands going to his hips as a nervous expression painted over his handsome features. He breathed in deeply through his nose, not taking his eyes off of the box and he stated to pace the length of the table. Chloe looked at the other two parcels they had, one contained his _attire_ , and the other contained hers. It had been _planned_ , to the T; every part. It was supposed to be exciting, fun, something they hadn't done together yet. It was turning into a nightmare, and they hadn't even taken it out of the box.

Bravely, Chloe reached into the box. She grabbed the leathery straps first, looking at the harness-like contraption that would accentuate her hips nicely and blend-in with her costume perfectly. Besides, black leather would look good with and without anything. She set the contraption aside, and went for the object that was intimidating the both of them, more so Lucifer. She wrapped her hand around it, or tried to. Her fingers couldn't touch around the girth of the thing, and when she started to lift, she felt the sheer weight of it pull on both ends. Her eyes widened further as she finally freed it from the cardboard cage that contained it and held it out in the open air.

She was speechless. Lucifer had stopped pacing. They both stared at it with the fear and respect it deserved. "Bloody hell, it's as big as your fucking forearm!" Lucifer cried, one hand leaving his hip to run through his hair, clearly anxious, but he eyed the thing with morbid curiosity. _Oh._

It was, indeed, the length of her forearm, and just as thick, if not more. It was black and veiny, not intended to look realistic, but detailed enough so both she and Lucifer knew what it was supposed to be. When she had ordered the strap-on online instead of going into a store, she risked something like this happening, but she hadn't expected a mistake so _gigantic._ As per Lucifer's request, she had looked for something of a respectable length, reasonable width; close to his own size, but what she received was anything but reasonable. There was no way. She'd never let anything like this near _any_ of her holes, especially her ass. No. Big, fat, no.

"I'll send it back, get a, um, a smaller one. Much small," Chloe said, pulling her thoughts together as she started to put the bludgeoning weapon disguised as a dildo back into the box. Suddenly, Lucifer was lunging forward, grabbing her wrist that held the thing and staring right at it.

"No, just," he started, licking his lips, nodding his head like he was hyping himself up. "We've been waiting to do this all week. Let's just do it." He said it like it was that simple. He said it like the thing in her hand was _okay_.

She stared at him, looked at the dildo in her hand, and then looked back at him. "You can't be serious," she said incredulously, eyebrows going up her forehead, a small smile on her lips. They had been waiting for this all week. It was going to be a first for them, and an actual first for Chloe. She'd never fucked a man with a strap-on before. It was both nerve-wracking and exhilarating.

"I'm not a quitter," he replied, more like he was trying to convince himself of that fact more than her. He reached over the box for the bottle of whiskey he had brought over for them to share. He unscrewed the cap, brought the bottle to his lips, and started drinking. He let the burning amber liquid glug a few times before he pulled it back, holding the bottle in his hand, dangling it by his side. "Let's do it.

"Yeah?" she asked, and she couldn't hide the excitement in her tone, or her eyes. She had worked herself up for this, and she was so ready to give something new a try. Just another way Lucifer was helping her explore sex in a safe and supportive environment. It was easy with him; he knew it all and was willing to do anything, at least once, and that made it easy to try new things. It made it fun.

"Yeah," Lucifer answered, eyes trained on hers, his voice deepening, and that _did things_ to her. He brought the bottle to his lips again, taking a decent sip before setting it down on the table with a little more force than necessary. "I want you to fuckin wreck me with that thing."

 _Oh._ Chloe's mouth opened just as his lips turned into a tasteful smirk. He knew what he did, but that didn't stop the anxious butterflies in her stomach. All it did was give them a little boost of energy, a little dose of _fuck yeah_. "Okay," she agreed, voice shaking a little. He full-on smiled at her answer, leaning forward to capture her mouth in a whiskey-drenched kiss. Both of his large hands cupped her cheeks as he licked into her mouth, moaning softly at the feel of their tongues pressing together. She doubted she could ever say no to him, not when he kissed like that. Not when he kissed her like he would die if he didn't, like he would starve to death without the taste of her tongue on his.

When he pulled back, he nudged his nose on hers, smiling with his eyes closed before planting a quick kiss to the corner of her mouth. They opened their eyes to twin looks of lust, and Chloe's gaze turned towards the other items on the table. "You still want to do everything?" she asked, pointing at the two bags next to the appropriately large box. Their outfits for the evening's activity.

Lucifer made a small sound, his nose scrunching up in an expression that looked like _duh_. "Pssh, of course! Not even this monster is going to stop me from seeing you in black leather," he chuckled warmly, bending down to kiss her one last time before he smacked her on the ass and spun her around. "Okay, chop chop, don't need to give me time to get smart!" He gently pushed her forward and reached for the smaller bag on the table. He handed it to her before motioning for her to go upstairs and change.

"Um, Lucifer, this isn't mine," Chloe said, handing the smaller bag back to him and taking the slightly larger one off the table. He eyed the bag, looked back at her and managed to put a smile on his face.

"I'm not sure this makes any logistical sense."

"You ordered them."

"I know!" he agreed, staring at the smaller bag dangling from the handle off his pointer finger. "Which is why I'm concerned. Big man," he said, pointing towards himself before pointing at her. "Small woman."

"I don't know," she lied, smiling coyly, pressing her lips together to keep from laughing. "Maybe yours has thinner material." She shrugged, and he eyed the smaller bag with suspicion. Chloe took a deep breath and started to reach for the strap-on and the-thing-that-shall-not-be-named, but Lucifer stopped her, batting her hand away with a gentle smack.

"No, shoo. I'll help you out with Colossus over here once we're ready."

Chloe looked at him flatly. "We are not naming that thing."

"Detective, anything of that caliber deserves a name," he started, like naming sex-toys was just a common endeavor. "It's like a fine steed: if you ride it, you must name it."

She blinked. "Lucifer, no one says that."

"I say it," he argued, urging her towards the stairs again. "Now go, before I change my mind and fuck the American heathen out of you." He smacked her ass again and she tried to scowl as she climbed the stairs. She heard him grumbling when she made it to her bedroom door and smirked, because she knew _exactly_ why his bag was so small (she peeked, oops), and she was certain that he had no idea his costume was going to be so _minimal._

* * *

Chloe stared at herself in the mirror. The outfit was good, really good. The pleather crotchless pants fit her perfectly, hugging her curves better than any denim she had. The pleather corset lifted her tits up and gave her an obscene amount of cleavage, highlighting her narrow waist. She had lined her eyes heavily with black liner before putting on the mask, and painted her lips in a deep red color that, supposedly, wouldn't budge, even while participating in intense role-play sex. She had tied her hair up in a ponytail and slid on the one pair of platform boots she owned. They had a six-inch heel, and she knew she'd need to extra height to pass as the dominating one tonight. Honestly, it wouldn't be that hard; Lucifer had no problems being submissive to her, and comparing their outfits, it wouldn't be a contest.

She made a terrific female Batman (not batgirl, Lucifer had explained, she had to be _the boss_ ). She even slid her handcuffs around the belt loop of the pants. She couldn't wear anything else, not with the strap-on harness, which she realized would _totally_ complete the vigilante look.

 _"Was I fucking high when I ordered this?"_ she heard him ask himself downstairs, and she bit her lip to keep from laughing. She carefully walked down the stairs, not used to wearing heels and thanking any god that might be listening that they were thick platforms and not thin stilettos. Even having seen the costume in the bag couldn't have prepared her for what she was about to see in her kitchen. Nothing could have prepared her for something like that.

Lucifer stood where she had left him, hands on his hips, looking at her as if she had poured-out an entire bottle of Macallan 15. She clearly couldn't hide her amusement because Lucifer huffed and crossed his arms, stretching the already tight material even more. "I'm glad you think this is funny," he said, and she snorted, quickly covering her mouth to keep it from happening again.

"I think you look great," she said through a laugh, taking the time to really appreciate the vision before her. She'd never get the opportunity to do it again. His Robin outfit left nothing to be desired. Starting from the top, the black eye mask surrounded his eyes, going over the bridge of his nose. It was a good look. The _top_ , if something so small could be called that, cut just above his nipples, red with the Robin R on the side, and the back of his neck was circled with the collar of a black cape that went to the middle of his back. He had green pleather, mid-forearm length gloves and a yellow tac-belt with various compartments for items. The "booty shorts" consisted of a green, black, and yellow color-block pattern. They covered his dick and, sadly, most of his ass. He looked less than pleased.

"Oh do you?" he asked, tone full of sarcasm, cocking his hip to the side as if to accentuate the overall aesthetic of the look. That was when she noticed the combat boots. The ridiculously forest green, cheap-looking combat boots that added an extra inch and a half to his height. She was impressed he had remembered footwear, and they really did tie the whole _thing_ together. "I fucking look like stripper-Robin, fighting crime one lap-dance at a time."

She couldn't hold it back. She burst out laughing because he really did look like some sort of phone-ordered male stripper some woman in her forties would get on her birthday, or when her divorce was finalized. He grumbled some more, squinting his eyes at her and planting his hands on his hips. That did not help his situation. "It could be worse?" she said, more like a question, as she reigned-in her laughter and walked closer to him.

"Well, just toss my dignity away with the ridiculously tiny bag this costume came in," he said sadly, pouting as she wrapped her arms around his waist, and his naturally wound over her shoulders. "You look amazing, as always, Detective," he added, kissing the top of her head as he pulled her even closer.

"Yeah? You like?" she asked, although she already knew the answer. She could _feel_ the answer pressing into her hip. Staring forward, she admired his chest and stomach, always so full and thick, just the right amount of definition. Enough meat for her to be able to bite into, sink her teeth in a little, and look like he ate like a regular person and didn't survive off of chicken breast and broccoli. She loved it.

"Mhmm," he hummed, looking her up and down, moving a hand to trace along the top of the corset. He used that same finger to tilt her chin up and claim her lips in a searing kiss. She kept it chaste, planting a hand on his chest and pushing him back slightly. They couldn't get ahead of themselves. There was still a lot to do before they could start.

"I especially like the boots," she said, because she just couldn't help herself. She saw his face instantly deflate a little as he sighed and rolled his eyes, but the corners of his mouth turned up anyway.

"Are you going to continue to mock me or are you going to fuck me?"

Chloe was… she was surprised by the bluntness, but she really shouldn't have been. Lucifer was as blunt as the fat end of a baseball bat. "I'm gonna fuck you." She said it without hesitation, without pause. Yeah, she was going to fuck him.

"Yeah?" His eyes glittered, even after knowing what his very well-toned ass was about to endure.

"Oh, yeah," she responded quietly, licking her lips and eying him up and down, lingering on the crotch of his itty-bitty shorts.

"Good," he added, biting his lower lip, looking both adorable and sexy with that black mask surrounding his eyes. She noticed his hair was extra fluffy, messy, like he ran his hands through it to make him less put-together. It worked. It made him look younger, too. "Now, turn around. See what I've done."

Chloe held her breath. Lucifer uttering any semblance of those words was never a good thing. Never. Even against better judgment, she did as he said and turned towards the living room; the room he was staring at with such pride. Before she even saw it, she knew she wouldn't be surprised. "Lucifer, is that Trixie's rock collection?" She knew the answer, but she just wanted to check. Make sure he hadn't gone around stealing the neighbor's patio rocks or some shit.

"No, Batman," he chimed, smiling wickedly. "It's the Bat Cave. Can't you recognize your own crime-fighting lair slash sex-dungeon?" He looked at Chloe expectantly, like she was just supposed know that that was what that was.

"Oh, right," she agreed, pressing her lips together as she surveyed her rock-decorated living room. "And you thought we needed rocks to get us in the mood?"

"Well, since it only took me about 30 seconds to get ready, I decided to set the scene for us," he said proudly, beaming at the "scene" he had, indeed, set. Trixie's impressive rock collection was spread evenly throughout the living room. Rocks set on the coffee table, the couch, on some shelves, on the floor, literally sprinkled throughout. He had turned the lights off, leaving a few candles going so it really did look dungeons in there.

"It looks great, Lucifer" she smiled, realizing that not every man would even put an ounce of his energy into a role-play like that. It was quirky, and ridiculous, but that was how he showed he cared, and she'd take rocks all over the room over no effort any day. Lucifer just blinked at her, staring, waiting, before rolling his eyes and pointing at the _R_ on his chest with a single gloved finger. "Oh, right. Looks great, Robin."

Lucifer nodded his head before crossing his arms over his chest; his gloriously exposed chest. He took another look at his handiwork before walking over to Chloe, standing behind her and wrapping his arms around her front. She sighed into the embrace, feeling his warmth on her bare shoulders. He kissed along the side of her face, nosing at her own mask, laughing when the pointed ears on it got stuck in his hair. It was soft and gentle, and it always amazed her that he managed to have any softness left. She only knew of what he went through based on what he had told her of his time back in England, after the death of his best friend. He told her he'd be willing to talk about it one day, and she wasn't going to push him. She knew, all too well, what it felt like to be pushed. So soaked up all the gentleness just as much as she soaked up all the passion and aggression they had. It was the best of both worlds with him, and she was always taken by surprise.

"As requested, I've come up with our scenario for the evening," Lucifer whispered, breath warm and wet against her ear. She shivered, and that only made him squeeze her harder. It was also the only affirmation he needed to continue. "Something familiar. We've just come back from a night of kicking-ass and taking names," he started, pressing his form more firmly against her back. "But, naturally, I was a really bad side-kick and didn't follow all your rules," he said it with a pouting tone, and he was right. He was, naturally, never 100% on-board with the rules, and she had to give him the _are-you-fucking-serious_ eyes on an almost daily occurrence. She hummed in acknowledgment, smiling when she felt his lips quick up against her neck.

"You've had it, that was the last straw, and you know it's time to put me in my place," he went on, and she could feel him hardening in his too-small shorts behind her. "And, naturally, I submit, because I want nothing more than to please you," he said, voice lowering and getting softer as his arms moved around her until his hands were gripping her hips tightly. "I want nothing more than to show you just how good I can be." He nipped at her earlobe and she had spun around and attacked his mouth with hers before she could take another breath. He made a surprised noise into her mouth but let his arms fall to his sides as she started to walk them towards the living room.

She could already feel his body going softer, more pliant for her, as she moved them in the direction of the couch. She walked them until his calves made contact with the couch and she pushed him back onto it. That was when she noticed the huge, black dong next to him, comically large nestled into the holder on the strap-on. Lucifer eyed it nervously before looking back up at her, looking every bit a cosplay fantasy. _Fuck_. He should have looked ridiculous in that costume, but he didn't. He looked like the lead in a highly produced superhero porno, and it was definitely something that needed to be seen before she died.

"I'm so sorry, Batman," he drawled, a playful smirk spread across his lips. He wiggled his hips down into the couch, his arms out at his sides, and he tried to nonchalantly nudge the strap-on out of the way, but the thing was too heavy to move. Frustrated, he picked it up and tossed it over to the next cushion, smiling at her as he resituated himself. "I know I was naughty, but it's just so hard for me to be good."

Chloe managed all of two seconds without bursting out into laughter. Lucifer huffed and crossed his arms as he waited for her to get control of herself. Role-play would never work unless she took it seriously. But, fuck, he was insane. She loved it. "Such a bad boy, Robin," she said, licking her lips and eyeing his frame hungrily. "What am I to do with you?"

"Oh, I don't know," he played along, biting his lip as she straddled his legs, sitting herself down into his lap. "I'm sure you have something _big_ in mind." She wanted to laugh again, really, but he looked so damn good. Looked so damn irresistible, and she couldn't wait to fuck the shit out of him for it.

"Big punishment for such a _big, bad, boy_." She emphasized the words with especially dirty grins of her hips against him. His mouth fell open as his hands tried to grasp at her hips, but she batted them away, pointing towards the cuffs on her belt. "Don't make me use these," she ordered, and he nodded his head as he licked his lips, eyes wide with want. "Oh, you want them?"

"Yes, please," he answered, eyes not leaving the shiny metal at her hip.

"You just know you won't be good, don't you," she said, reaching for the cuffs and unhooking them from the leather loop. "You know you just can't be a good boy and fucking listen." He shook his head, eyes turning to huge circles, such pretty fucking puppy-eyes, as he held up his hands, wrists together. Ready. "Nuh-uh," she said, shaking her head, peeling herself out of his lap and he whimpered, _fucking whimpered_ at the loss. Precious. She stalked away from him, swaying her hips a little more than necessary and stood in front of the coffee table. She crooked her pointer finger into a _come hither_ motion and watched as he scrambled up from his seat.

He somehow managed to gracefully trip over one of the rocks he had placed on the ground, and turned it into an excuse to crawl the remaining two steps to her. He wiggled his eyebrows at her as he knelt at her ridiculously heeled, booted feet. She raised an expectant eyebrow, and he stared at her for a few seconds before he remembered the point of having him come over. He held up his wrists, eyes still huge and round beneath the mask. She twirled her finger in the air, smiling. "Turn around, arms behind your back." His eyes darkened, but he did as told, and she knelt down to cuff his hands low on his back, squeezing the metal of the cuffs a little tighter than comfortable, just to give him that edge of anxiety he seemed to thrive on.

She lifted a foot and placed the flat of the sole on his slightly crossed wrists, pinning him down by the palms. She could feel the metal shift and grind beneath her foot, and he hissed at the pinch of it on delicate skin, but she could see the obvious tent in the front of his tiny shorts, the way the material was forced to stretch over his ass more as his cock filled with blood.

"What do bad boys say when they're given what they deserve?" she said, voice rich with authority. God, she loved having him like this, so fucking willing.

"We say thank you," he groaned, fingers curling and stretching under her foot.

"That's right," she said, sneering and bending down so her mouth was close to his ear. "Apparently bad boys have to be _told_ to say thank you." She reached up and grabbed a chunk of his hair in her hand and moved him so she could throw his torso across the coffee table. She shoved him hard and didn't see the rock he had artfully placed in the center, the very rock that she shoved the side of his head down on. She released his hair the moment she heard him yelp in pain, the moment his arms tried to straighten with her foot on his cuffed hands. "Oh, fuck! Are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm fine. I love concussions," he quipped, sounding only mildly annoyed. He chuckled after that, shaking his head and using his cheek to shove the offending rock out of the way. As he did so, Chloe could see a small cut on the top of his cheek, right below the mask, a bit of blood sliding down into his stubble.

"Lucifer! You're bleeding!" she cried, moving to bend down to get a better look. She held his chin in her head, inadvertently cranking his neck so she could see it better. He winced, but smiled, trying his best to kiss the wrist of the hand delicately touch the reddening skin around it.

"'Tis but a scratch," his drawled, biting his lip when she looked less than pleased at his response. "Please, let's continue this extremely method role-play. I'm still very hard." Chloe looked down, and he was, indeed, still very hard. She snuck a hand down and grabbed the bulge, earning a short gasp from him, but there wasn't much he could do with his torso pressed on top of the table and his hands cuffed behind his back.

"You sick fuck," she chastised with a smirk; although Lucifer wasn't a sensitive fellow, she didn't want him getting the wrong idea. She loved that sick fuck. She loved every filthy bit of him. "Care to explain how you're so pathetically hard after falling and knocking that dumb, pretty head of yours?" She hummed when his eyes fluttered closed, his lips turning up in the corners as the shaming. He was fucking _beautiful_ when given the slightest amount of humiliation.

He laid his head back down on the table, fully bent over it, hips against the edge, hands crossed directly above his ass. "Getting beaten for a living seems to have rubbed off on me," he replied, biting his lip when he opened his eyes to look up at her.

"Where would you be without someone like me to keep you safe, to teach you how to behave?" she asked, stroking her hand down his back to rest enticingly along his belt.

"Miserable, in a hole somewhere," he answered genuinely, a small smile forming on his lips, and her breath hitched. He meant it, and she believed him, and something soft and warm bloomed in her chest, tightening her throat, and she smiled back, letting him know she heard him. She _felt_ him, and she was there for him. She moved her hand to squeeze his fingers in a moment of gentleness before continuing with their scene.

"Smartest thing you've said all day," she stated, standing up and walking over to the couch. The nerves were getting to her as she found the leathery straps and heavy rubber of the strap-on, doing its best to fall between the cushions. To bury itself in some sort of hole. She gulped, lifting the hefty contraption and taking a long look at it. She could see how she was to put it on: the leg holes and the fastening that looked just like a belt. Seemed simple enough, and by the time she was tightening the belted portion to her waist, the weight of the dildo attached to the front, right over her own sex, was intimidating. It swung with every step, and it took every ounce of adult maturity to not ask Lucifer if that was how he felt on a daily basis.

He had to have looked at what she was doing, because as she approached him again, she could see the tension in his back, the eager nervousness of an activity both fun and worrying. "Left the lube on the dining-room table," he said, nodding his head in that direction. She could hear the difference in his voice, the _Lucifer_ and not role-play Robin. He was good about that. Good about letting her know when he was playing and when he wasn't. "It looks like some sort of industrial-grade mechanical grease, which, honestly, seems aptly cautious."

She chuckled as she walked over to the table, gigantic rubber dick swinging in the wind, almost pulling her hips to each side with every step. She heard him snort from behind her, no doubt getting a good look at her and her BBC. Sure enough, there was a tub of lube. A _tub_. It looked similar to Vaseline, however it felt more like silicone lubricant, just thick and extra slippery. Perfect for trying to impale your male side-kick with. She brought the tub over to where he was bent over the table, unscrewing the lid and scraping out a substantial amount. Lucifer watched her with hungry eyes as she spread the slick over the monstrous dildo, making it darker and shiny, the veins more prominent with the dim light gleaming off of them.

"Do I need to…" she drawled-off, pointing rather vaguely towards his still covered ass with her clean hand. She thought he might have raised his eyebrow, but it was hard to tell from under the eye mask. To help explain without having to actually say it, she took her slicked hand and held out two fingers, pumping them up in the air.

" _Oh!"_ he exclaimed, laughing lightly. "Yeah, no, I already took care of that bit. Couldn't trust your dainty lady-hands to get me ready for that fucking thing."

Relief washed over her. It wasn't that she wouldn't prep him for anal. It's not that she didn't know what was needed, but she was hardly versed in prepping herself. The handful of times she'd done it with Dan had been disastrous. Lucifer showed her it could be fun when the right amount of attention was given to such a sensitive area. She just wasn't sure she could do it right. Plus, she'd never penetrated a man before. It was… a nerve-wracking experience. One day she'd do it for him, after some experience doing it, maybe after Lucifer demonstrated how to do it on himself. Yeah. That definitely seemed like a great idea.

She spanked him right over those tiny shorts, a swift, powerful pop that echoed in the room. He gasped, but rocked back into it, cheeks going pink. "My dainty lady-hands seem to work just fine." She bent down and nipped at his ear, enjoying the shiver she felt run down his frame. "You ready?" she asked in a whisper, lips dusting over the shell of his ear, breath tickling the fine hairs there.

"Yes, but kiss me in case this kills me," he answered, smirking at her from where the side of his head and face was against the table. She knelt even lower and pressed her mouth to his. The angle made it difficult, but she shoved her tongue in his mouth, bringing her clean hand up to tangle in his hair and give a little tug. She broke the kiss and his exhaled loudly into the small space between them. She licked a stripe over his open mouth before leaning up and walking behind him.

She got down on both knees between his slightly spread legs. She widened his stance even more to lower his hips so she could line the dildo up to him. Giving him warning, she looped her thumbs into the waist of the shorts and pulled them down until the stretched around his spread knees. She bit her lower lip as she reached down between his legs with her slicked hand and grasped his cock, he groaned loudly when she gave it a few long strokes, enraptured by the way his hips rocked forward, trying to fuck into her hand, as she stroked him.

He whined prettily when she released his dick, placing both hands on his hips. She gripped the muscle and bone there, just rubbing over flesh that rounded into his ass. He really did have a great ass; just the perfect about of fullness and definition. Who wouldn't want to fuck him? She leaned down as sank her teeth into the full flesh of one ass cheek, and he yelped in surprise. It quickly turned into a giggle, so she bit down harder, leaving marks, and he hissed as she released the skin.

Taking a steadying breath, she stroked over the massive dildo attached to the front of her hips, right where a dick would be if she were a man. The thick lube was still plentiful on the length of if, and she tried to wipe her hand off on her pants, but pleather did little to remove the jelly-like liquid. Trying to reign-in her own nervousness, she grasped the dildo in her hand, marveling on how her hand hardly wrapped around half of the girth. She pressed the tip right up against his hole, not pushing in, just making the pressure of it known. His hips jerked back as he swallowed a groan, hands flexing on his lower back.

"Ready for me to fuck you into your place?" she asked, remembering they were doing a scenario, hoping it would serve as a distraction to keep her level, to keep her from freaking out and bailing.

" _Fuck,_ yes," he breathed out, and she could see over the length of his back that he was biting his lip, eyes closed in anticipation.

"Yeah, you do," she stated, rubbing the head of the dildo around his entrance, teasing the loosened muscle. He moaned again, and she felt her confidence growing that she could do it. That she could make this good for him. "You act like such a bad boy on the streets, but as soon as I get you back here you go all soft and sweet on me." He moaned lewdly, a long, deep sound coming from his chest, and he was nodding his head against the table, the mask scratching on the wood.

It was the best reaction. Better than she could have asked for, and she slowly started to try and push in. There was resistance, of course there was resistance, and his body tensed at the stretch, but he stayed in place, he didn't even try to utter his safe word. Aufhören, because the German language was beautifully aggressive. She kept pushing, a steady pressure, and it was an odd sensation; it wasn't like sinking down onto a cock. The concept of pushing something essentially attached you to into someone was new, but she could watch the tip start to sink into him, stretch his hole, and she was _insanely happy_ that it was him and not her.

Her hands gripped his hips tighter, keeping him where she needed him, but she could feel the slip of her slicked hand on his skin, but letting go would mean she would have to try to push-in harder, and she just couldn't do that to him. She adjusted her knees, listening to his sharp, quick breaths as his body started to swallow the massive girth, and that was when it all went to hell. Her lubed-up hand slipped off his hip, and when she tried to catch herself, she let go of his other hip, and that shoved _Colossus_ halfway into Lucifer's unprepared ass.

The both shouted in unison; Chloe's a more horrified sound while Lucifer cried-out like he had been burned. "I'm sorry! I slipped!" she exclaimed, trying to keep herself from panicking, unsure what to do with her hands, what to do with her hips now that that the thing attached to her was mostly inside him.

" _Oh-bloody-fucking-Christ, AUFH_ _Ö_ _REN! AUFH_ _Ö_ _REN!_ " he yelled, in perfect German, and he breathed raggedly as he tried to gasp for air after being impaled by something not belonging in someone's body. Any move he tried to make to give himself some relief backfired, and he was left to struggle on the pressure in the position he was in, and Chloe was forced to freeze in her accidental, mid-thrust stance.

"Fuck, fuck," Chloe stammered, eyes wide in horror at what she had done. "I'm sorry! What do I do?"

"It's okay, it's okay," he breathed out, trying to convince himself more than her. He took a few deep breathes, pushing the air back out through pursed lips. "Just, holy fuck. I feel like I'm sitting on a goddamn Athenian pillar."

She would have laughed it the situation hadn't been so dire. She was mortified by the literal slip-up, and she had absolutely no idea how she was going to move without maiming him. "Tell me what to do!" she cried, her hands spread wide between them, hovering in the air, waiting for a task, for something.

"I just… I need my hands, can you un-cuff me?" he asked, voice surprisingly calm. She had to hand it to him, she would be screaming and cursing and probably be demanding things if this had happened to her. It struck a sad chord in her though, to know he was so used to discomfort, in any form, he knew how to remain calm.

"Yeah, yes, of course," she answered, patting her hands down her body like she were frisking a suspect. She was a suspect. Of extreme anal assault and battery. She fumbled with her belt, trying to move what straps on the strap-on she could without jostling the dildo too much. He'd grunt here and there, but other than that, he was silent: a quiet, calculated thing stuck in a trap. After checking every nook and cranny on the pants, _knowing_ the keys hadn't slipped down into the nothingness of the crotch, a new level of panic set in. The keys to the cuffs were upstairs, on her nightstand, where she had put them after undressing after work. She hadn't thought to grab them for _this_. "Oh, fuck."

"'Oh, fuck' what?" he asked quickly, voice mildly panicked. "Am I bleeding? Are things turning purple?!"

"I don't have the keys." Silence, only the sounds of his quickened breaths and creaking pleather could be heard.

"Where are the keys?"

"Upstairs." She closed her eyes and cringed. She wondered how an evening could get any worse. It had been a cascading waterfall of fuck-ups since they opened the box and found the impossibly enormous, black dildo. They should have known from the colossal size of the box. That should have been the rain check. Lucifer sighed, mostly in defeat, and she watched as he tried to relax his back before abruptly changing his mind when the movement made his ass clench up. If anyone could sag their hands, he did, slumping like shoulders against his lower back.

"Fuck," he mumbled, and she couldn't see his face, wondered if he looked mad or just frustrated; she couldn't blame him. It was a doomed situation, and they should have known it would be their luck to find themselves in this predicament. "Just take the thing off and go get the keys. Leave the big bastard in me."

Chloe closed her eyes, pressing her lips together, really wishing she didn't have to deliver any more bad news. "Lucifer, I can't get this off without moving, and that moves the _big bastard_."

"Well, shit," he stated, because yeah, shit. After a few moments of contemplation, he seemed to come up with a plan, of sorts. "How plausible is it that we can somehow meander our way up the stairs whilst staying in this position and moving that thing as little as possible?"

"Well," Chloe started, eyebrows raised up to her hairline. "The Academy never offered The Physics of Pegging, but I'm going to say it's pretty damn impossible. Unless you can teleport. Can you teleport, Robin?" she finished, started to get mildly frustrated and seriously distressed. Whatever they had to do, it would not be a good time for Lucifer. Not at all.

"Unfortunately I left my teleportation device in my _other_ obnoxiously yellow tac-belt," he responded sarcastically, groaning when he accidentally moved the slightest bit.

"No need to get snarky," she grumbled, staring down at where he was impaled on Colossus. Yes, it definitely deserved the name now.

"Oh, I'm sorry, _Batman_ ," he chimed in a mocking, apologetic tone. "Do you have a gigantic, black rubber dick up your ass? No? That's enough from the peanut-gallery, _thank you_." He lifted his head enough to knock it into the table a few times, like he was trying to some some courage into himself. "You're just going to have to pull it out."

"Are you sure?"

"No, but there's no other choice, is there?" He paused, sighing again. "Unless you'd like to call _Daniel_ over to assist us."

Chloe considered it, she really did, but neither of their phones were close by. She was thankful for that, because she probably would have called, at least, Ella, to go get the keys. Ella would understand. Ella would only not be able to look them in the eyes for about a week. "Okay. I'm going to take it out."

"Slowly – "

"I'm going to take it out _slowly,"_ she finished for him. Taking a deep breath as if she were about to run an Olympic event. She moved back, very slowly, and hadn't retreated more than a few centimeters before he was crying out and telling her to stop, even more distressed than he had been when it got _shoved_ in. "What, what's wrong?" she asked, worrying and looking over his body to see what the problem could be. He was covered in sweat, but other than that, no change hand occurred. Not really.

"Oh, god. Oh, _GOD_ ," he whined, and there was an edge to his voice that she could have recognized, if she hadn't seen how problematic the entry had been. "I don't know if I'm going to cry, or if I'm going to cum."

"Oh…" That made her insides tingle. That made her stomach grow hot at the idea that he could cum, just like that, on such a fucking massive thing in his ass. She fucking loved him.

"Yes, I know. Quite the dichotomous dilemma," he grunted, the slightest hint of a moan at the end of it. "Okay, just do it." He pushed another breath out through pursed lips as he clenched his cuffed hands. Chloe started pulling back again, and there was resistance with it, but Lucifer was letting out these breathy moans and throaty curses. It sounded fucking hot, and she wished she could see his face, just to see if it was pleasure or pain, or that wonderful combination of both.

It was when she was nearing the head, the raised edge of the realistic tip beginning to tug at his red, swollen rim, that he let out a strangled groan, deep in his chest, as his body convulsed and it became harder to pull the dildo out of him. She could see his cock twitching, heavy and thick, between his legs as cum spurt out of him and onto the carpet and the underside of the table. So much cum. Her mouth was open in pure shock, very pleasantly surprised shock. She'd never heard him make noises like that, the punched-out sort of sounds that only people getting fucked through an orgasm made. When Colossus was finally freed, slipping out of his contracting hole, a litany of _ah ah ah's_ fell out of his parted mouth, and it was the hottest thing she had both heard and seen.

" _Oh my god,"_ she breathed in awe, hands rubbing at his sides to comfort him, to soothe the slowly oozing tension of his muscles. Fuck, he was stunning; a sheen of sweating covering his body, highlighting curves of muscle in the dim light. He was breathing deep, wide ribs expanding and sinking back down to a narrow waist. The arch in his back dipped lower due to the position, and he was a wet dream for women and men.

Lucifer tried to gasp out a few words, but his multiple attempts at speech ended in a fit of giggling, now able to move his body without fear of being ripped open on the rubber cock. His body visibly sagged, releasing all the tension it held from the very beginning of the encounter, the stress he held on to at first glimpse of the, now infamous, Colossus.

"Oh my god, we have to get rid of this rock," he groaned, curving his back so he could look down at the mess he made, still trying to recover from, what appeared to be, one hell of an orgasm. "I can't, in good conscious, just wash this off and put it back in your child's domicile."

"What?" she gasped, looking at the rock in question, streaked in white, soaking it up like some cum-slut sponge. Jesus, it was impressive. The sheer volume he produced in that one, but yeah. That rock could not simply be washed and returned for Trixie to play with. _No_. "Oh, shit."

"I know… I'm pretty sure this could impregnate someone with really attractive children in 200 years," he whined, observing the way the porous rock was, literally, absorbing his release.

"Oh my god," she whispered, eyes wide in disbelief. How the hell had this night even happened? How the hell did they get here? She was a fucking homicide detective, he was her civilian consultant partner slash fuckbuddy. They were _dignified_.

"Will she notice? I'll get her another rock. I'll find the best damn fucking rock Los Angeles has to offer." Orgasmic bliss was the only way to describe the determination in his voice at finding a rock.

"Okay, let's just get you up, we need to get all _that_ ," she said, motioning towards the absolute mess of cum all over her carpet and coffee table. "Off before it cements into the fibers."

"I don't think I can move," he stated, like it was set in stone, like it was fact. He shifted back onto his haunches, leaning up to finally pull his body off of the table and kneel upright. "I'm never going to be able to sit again," he admitted, turning his head so he could look over his shoulder at her, still kneeling behind him. "How will I ever do ride-alongs with Daniel and annoy him until he lets me drive again?"

"I'm sure everything will be fine," she tried to assure him, but from where she was kneeling, she wasn't so sure it ever would be. "In a few days." If a body part could look angry, his hole definitely did.

"I'm really worried about myself. What does it say that that was one of the best orgasms I've ever had?"

"That that's why you have a therapist." Chloe informed him, finally pushing her way up to her feet, the strap-on swaying with the movements, smacking him in the face with a wet pop. Chloe sucked in air through clenched teeth, reaching out and grabbing the thing before it could do any further damage. Lucifer looked up at her through clumped lashes, frustrated, but a hint of a smirk was lingering on his lips.

"Right. I'm sure the good doctor will find this story delightfully amusing."

Chloe chuckled, stepping over to lean down and plant a kiss to his forehead. "Okay, I'm going to go upstairs and get the keys so you can have your hands back. Then I need to take care of this thing," she added, pointing towards the elephant in the room. She drug her hands through his hair as she turned her head towards the stairs. She didn't get more than one step in before his teeth caught her fingers and bit down gently. She turned back to look at him, a questioning smile on her face. He smirked around his mouthful of dainty lady-fingers and tugged her like an eager puppy.

Fuck. How could she deny that? "What, don't you want your hands?" she asked coyly, pulling her hand free so she could reach down and start to work the buckles of the strap on. After a few clasps were undone, she let gravity take the hefty weight of it down and she stepped out of it, eyes never leaving his.

"Get on all fours on the coffee table." He looked up at her with those round, pleading eyes. Not even the mask could hide the pure want and need she saw in them.

"What about the keys to the cuffs? The carpet?"

"Later," he mused, nodding his head to the table in front of him. "I want to have fun with those crotchless pants of yours. Thank you for such world shattering orgasm."

"Yeah?" she asked excitedly, putting one knee on the table, starting to turn her back to him, so he could get a good view of her ass, of the lack of material between her thighs, the glistening arousal waiting for him.

"Yes," he growled, eyes going straight where she wanted them. "Fuck the carpet, fuck the keys, fuck my permanently altered ass, just get over here and grind back on my face while you pull my hair and call me bad names." She moaned, loving when he sounded utterly wrecked like that, like he just couldn't wait to get his mouth on her.

Well, he didn't need to try and convince her. She was on the table in a matter of seconds, pushing her center back to align with his face, knowing how he had to kneel behind her with his hands behind his back. She reached back with one hand, tugging at thick strands, pulling him into her, floating on a cloud of his muffled moans and darting tongue. Heaven decked out in pleather and spandex, cum-stained landscape and whiskey fog.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow... so that just happened XD Haha. I have no words for you guys. Just an idea that I brought up in the previous installment of the Closer-verse series and I figured it could make a light, fun one-shot. What do you think? Any prompts for these two? I'm up for (almost) anything! Until next time!
> 
> Translation:  
> Thanks to my friend Luni, Aufhören translates to "stop it". For some reason, I found that to be a hilarious thing to shout-out as a safeword.


End file.
